Life Lost

I belonged for a bit, but belonging’s long gone.

I almost belonged.

mere misery

I have been experiencing the worst pain of my life. I never thought anything could hurt more than losing loved ones to death, but selfish as it may be for me to think so, this is worse. I gave up everything I knew to move across the country and build my life around the woman I loved at her request but after a year, she decided that everything I am and everything I had done to be with her wasn’t enough. She wanted someone else. Everything had been set. My future was with her. My home was with her. She was all I wanted. Now, I’m nothing. I don’t have a job. I’m living with my sister and her family who generously offered to put me up because I had no place to go.

And I’m old.

And I’m tired.

It took so much energy for me to start a new life with her and now I have to find a way to start all over again. I had never really been happy before I took that huge leap of faith and I don’t see how I’ll ever be happy again. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll survive.

I don’t know anything other than that I am lost. I was briefly found, but lost has largely been my life. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I sort of hope someone does and I sort of hope no one does. I feel compelled to write as I once did. I feel the need to purge. I was hoping this would be anonymous, but it’s been a long time since I’ve used Word Press or any other blogging site for that matter and it looks like things have changed. I should probably stop. I should probably do a lot of things, but I am at a loss.

I feel so alone and so afraid.

this is phlegm it is the clearing throat discharges thus disgusting

Remember when we was all afire my love of life and I remember she said the things to me she’s saying to that other now I’ll die again, but not enough to stop the awful thoughts of what she does and what she’s done and all the love I have remaining what we was we was we was

I simply need to keep my fingers moving so that I won’t up and die though dying is what I might desire it could trouble others besides me.

I had a happy ending set, but let it somehow slip right through my fingers. I’m trying to go on, but the loss is all-consuming.